Friday: a funeral

(TL;DR: I went to a funeral and was sad.)

Today I went to a funeral.  I'll admit, I was rather dreading it.  The circumstances had so many similarities to my mom's death: a person that wasn't that old, a cancer diagnosis quickly followed by death.  So they were already triggers on feeling sad.  But since it was my sister-in-law's father, I went.

I made it through the funeral itself without crying, mainly because I realized I didn't have any tissues so crying would be disastrous.  But I couldn't stop myself at the end.  I just remember how sad I was at Mom's funeral and how unreal it felt and how sad I was that Allison was (probably) feeling the same way.  I remember walking behind the casket on the way out of church and not being able to see because there were so many tears in my eyes.  I told Ben that I wasn't sure I could face Allison right then, and he said that was ok.  Phew.  I felt selfish, but I also remember being sick of crying and sometimes it was nice to be able to hold it together.  I expected we'd both be crying if I talked to Allison.  I managed to pull myself together at least a bit during the reception and talked a bit to her, but we kept it pretty light.

And I'm kind of thinking that the pain of losing someone doesn't dull or diminish after time, it just changes.  The sharp pain of their passing doesn't come as frequently, but there are still intense feelings of loss at times.  A big difference is that you also know you'll be able to keep going since you've made it this far.  Also, the intense pain will pass, at least until the next time it comes back.

The wonderful thing though?  It means I had a wonderful mom.  I wouldn't miss her otherwise.