Friday: what I remember

This is what I remember. I know I have forgotten parts or remember parts incorrectly, so feel free to add/change... Watch out, it's a tear jerker.

Mom started feeling terrible mid-February. Really bad. They tried all sorts of different medicines, but nothing worked. I stopped by the house before leaving for a mission trip and she cried because she felt so bad...something that just didn't happen.

While on the trip I learned that they thought it was lymphoma...bad but curable. I called Dad's office later in the week (he later said he was hoping I wouldn't find him). We talked a bit and he asked if he could pick me up at the airport.

I saw him at the end of the concourse and immediately knew that something was wrong. Aunt C, a Bible, and a box of tissue were with him. I was told that Mom had caner and had 6-12 months to live. Dad and I sat in the back of the car while Aunt C drove us home.

At home Mom apologized (as though it was her fault) for being sick. One of the first things she said was that she wouldn't be at my wedding. At the end of the weekend she told me she was proud of me and to keep working hard in school - no one in her family had ever gotten very far. She also said she had so many other things to tell me...and I never found out what they were.

The Friday night before she died Ben and I went bowling and then went to visit Mom. I smelled of smoke and so couldn't get very close, but still got as close as I could. She was lying in bed with only a little light on. Maybe the TV...I can't remember.

Allison and I met on Monday to work on a computer programming project for class and then I went to talk to a consoler at Hope. I have no idea what we talked about although I don't remember feeling very comfortable. Half-way through the session he got called away only to come back and tell me Mom was in the hospital. Apparently they had a really hard time tracking me down. Anyway, this random guy brings me over to the hospital and somehow I end up in Mom's room. And she complements me on what I was wearing. It was a black skirt and a green paisley top - not a shirt I wore very often.

I then found out that she had a really bad infection which has a really low survival rate even in healthy people. For Mom it would mean amputation of at least a leg and she would be on a respirator if she did survive. And the cancer would still be there. So she decided against the operation, and in doing so show me how to die without fear.

Things then get a little fuzzy, but they moved Mom into another room. Ben came over with some different clothes. We must have eaten something because I remember needing a toothbrush and one of the nurses brought one. Things were feeling incredibly out of control so Dad told me all that I had to be in control of was my backpack. Since it couldn't move on it's own or talk or really do anything I accepted that responsibility. Ben went to get a camera for our last family picture...one of the hardest smiles I've ever pretended to smile. The Fremont family came and I know they were there when Mom died, but I don't remember much else. In fact, I don't even remember interacting much with Mom besides saying some last good-byes. Mom's speech quickly deteriorated and I think she died soon after midnight.

Dad wanted me to go home with him and Nathan, but I refused. Maybe he thought everyone would be asleep, but all sorts of people were still up at that time. Ben and I sat in Lichty lobby with the blanket that Mom made for me. I don't know how long we were there, but we talked about how lucky we were to have parents that loved us.

I got to skip classes for the rest of the week. I spent a lot of time at home (I remember doing some math phys on something with vector fields.), but also spent a lot of time at school. I had done poorly at my last materials class so I at least went to those classes. John and Brian took me out to 8th Street Grille for lunch after one class.

I wore my brightly colored skirts for the visitation. I remember it being really busy. Dad met Ben's parents for the first time and Ben met most of my relatives for the first time.

As for the funeral, it again is pretty fuzzy. I remember following the casket out of the church holding on to Ben's hand so tightly because I could barely see through the tears.